I've been wanting to write about my feelings toward the so-called Parking
"Services" here on campus for a long time now. I'm going to try hard to
be objective (yeah, right).
(Ok, I've had enough, take me back to the Random
Rants page.)
I buy super-expensive parking passes here on campus. Why do I buy them? Well, it's because try as I might, I simply CANNOT yet move at the speed of light and I have no time-travelling DeLaurean to pull me out of trouble. My classes start early and my labs go late. If I didn't drive to campus, the daycare would close by the time I got there after my labs. So I need to drive. And I need a parking spot.
Once upon a time, when I started university, back in the good ol' days, they had a lick o' sense down at Parking Services. Back in those days, they only doled out the precious parking passes to students with special needs (like living far away, being handicapped or being me). Back in those days, all you needed was a big crimp in your lifestyle and the bleed-you-dry fee of over $40 per month.
But _OH_ the times they have a'changed.
I suppose that Parking Services, having made it so difficult to get a parking pass (what a great service, huh?), discovered that "hey, look here!" they had a surplus of parking passes. So They decided in Their wisdom to sell them to everyone on campus. Surprisingly, despite the high cost of these little gems, people were snapping up parking passes like they were yesterday's lunch (whatever that means).
So, by the time that our heroine (i.e. ME) came along to buy a parking pass, there were only awful ones for parking spots far far away left. Furthermore, these parking spots have NO plugs for the winter time and by the time I walk to my spot, I'm usually late.
This leads me to sometimes park where I am not welcome. That is, although I pay the same amount for parking way the hell across campus, if I park in just *any* parkade, they'll still give me a ticket as if I were some bum off the street parking there.
So here is my question: What EXACTLY is the SERVICE offerred by Parking Services? Is it making me stand in line for four hours and then giving me the worst possible parking spot? Is it taking $50 per month from me so I can have this lousy spot? Is it being rude to me when I go to pay for my lousy spot?
I think I know what their service is: They give me tickets for parking in the wrong spot. These delicious little numbers are my service. THIS is where my $50 per month is going. It's going to pay some poor depraved jerk for giving me a ticket I neither want, need nor deserve.
I notice that although the Coke machines on campus were quick to accept the new two dollar coin, the parking meters were not. Why not? I'll tell you why not- if they change the meter to accept the two dollar coins, that costs them money. However, they KNOW that people usually don't have so many ONE dollar coins because the two dollar coin came out. So NOW they can give about twice as many tickets out to poor sods who don't have appropriate change. Ka-ching... money money money...
I picture Parking Service officers like little, tiny, frightened snakes. They crouch in waiting near my car, a well-known Parking Services feeding spot. Then, one of them says to the other "Make sure she's not comin'," and darts out in front of my car with one of those offensive yellow envelopes. The other barricades the door, making it impossible for me to plug the meter. They slither off, snickering.
I think if I were a Parking Services officer, I would try to be like a Trojan horse. I wouldn't give out any tickets to regular people. I would just put LOADS of tickets on the administrators' of Parking Services' cars. And if the administrators didn't have cars, I'd put them on their bikes. And if they didn't have bikes, I'd just stick them on their foreheads. "Parking Ticket... Parking Ticket... Parking Ticket!!!" I would yell happily while doing this. What a rush!
And if they tried to fire me for this behaviour, I would just laugh harder and give them even MORE parking tickets.
I think it would be a lot of fun. Then, if I got arrested, I would deny the whole thing and point out to the officers that ANYONE working as an administrator for Parking Services was not a reliable witness. They would let me off for sure then. But I digress...
When I pay my parking tickets, I always include a line that says "For the Fascist Establishment". I don't think that the Parking Services dudes understand this though. They probably mill about trying desparately to understand it, with open dictionaries in hand. That's assuming that they can read though.
I am not fond of Parking Services people. I think they should all find real jobs. I hear McDonald's is hiring.
P.S. Don't give me that stuff about the "service" being that there are vacant parking spots for me to put my car in when I buy a pass. That's like the Mad Hatter and the March Hare having their tea party. As Alice said "But there's plenty of room!"
Sincerely,
Rachelle M. Ditzian
© November 1996 by Rachelle Megan Ditzian. All rights reserved.